Great moments in cinema: Teen Witch

And now it’s back to our ongoing series of classic scenes that changed the history of movies forever. Okay, not really… today’s harmless oddity is Teen Witch, a 1989 movie about an unpopular girl who suddenly learns she’s descending from the Salem witches. Does this lead to her being burnt at a stake? Not really, 1989 isn’t that far in the past. Instead, she can make annoying boys disappear, irritating teachers lose their pants and, above all, have a good and equally unpopular friend win a rap battle. Yes, you’re about to see rap as it was in the late 1980’s. If you don’t dig it, remember that you’re not cool and they are. Allegedly.

Great moments in cinema: Moby Dick 2010

Occasionally, the Avenue treats you to a scene from a movie that is so awful it can only make you laugh. Often those films tend to be from yesteryear, adding to the myth that older films tended to be crappier. This is of course not true and to prove this, here is a scene from 2010. The film is the latest remake of Moby Dick and the first time I watched a clip of this, erm, “film”, I had to be convinced that this wasn’t a parody. This film has genuinely some of the worst effects I’ve seen in a long time and I don’t mean that in any way positive or even endearing. Don’t believe me? Well, here are just 80 seconds of this spectacular. Next time you go to your local dvd store, look at the bargain bin: somewhere near the bottom of the barrel, you’ll surely find a copy if you desire one.

(embedding wasn’t available)

P.S. Below there’s a trailer. Barry Bostwick is credited as a Golden Globe winner. I don’t recall him being nominated for this movie, though…

Great Moments in Cinema: Cool as ice

It’s hard to define the best scene in Cool as Ice, the film that turned credible rapper Vanilla Ice into a credible actor. That this movie wasn’t worth a single Oscar or didn’t win the Palme d’Or can only be seen as a crime against humanity. In the film tough guy Vanilla Ice manages to win the heart of a posh rich girl and… erm, no, that’s about the entire plot.

In the scene you’re about to see the director manages to interweave in a most subtle manner Ice’s coolness on the bike with the sexiness of a girl riding a horse. The slow motion, combined with wonderful music (read: scratching – we know this coz we is hip), gives us the best proof of why cinema needed to be invented. It also taught me that the best way to win a girl’s heart is to give her a concussion. Actually, the only reason why this film isn’t shown more often in trash nights is because it’s downright unbearable to sit through the entire film without contemplating genocide.

Great moments in cinema: Queen of Black Magic

Long before the Mondo Macabro DVD release, I was happy to own a VHS copy of Queen of Black Magic. This wonderful Indonesian horror movie from 1979, directed by W.D. Mochtar, boasted great dialogue (don’t play the drinking game for the number of times “magic” is used in this clip or you’ll be drunk within seconds) and superb effects.

It looks as if this clip is also taken from a Belgian VHS tape (given the Dutch and French subs), so it may even be my copy. Now that would be magic…

P.S. Feel like playing a game? Let’s go then: here are clues to the next three reviews. Feel free to reveal the answers or check in on the 15th, 20th and 25th to see if you were correct.

1. It’s about time someone casts Amanda in a decent movie.
2. Milk is good for you… allegedly.
3. Seriously, it’s not photoshopped.

Great moments in cinema: Ator III

You know you’ve struck gold if you’re watching a film and aren’t sure if it’s a comedy or not. I’d say Ator III: The Hobgoblin came from the brain of Joe D’Amato, but that would be an insult to the man’s brain. Here’s a clip from this wonderful masterpiece (a.k.a. Quest for the Mighty Sword). It’s a vital lesson for anyone wanting to do something in the film industry: action scenes only need to exist of some vague waving around of weapons, build-ups are overrated.

Great moments in cinema: Trog

I hope you weren’t expecting another full review today, just look at the massive amounts of words I penned last week. No, let’s recover with a superslice of bad movie. Trog sadly ranks as the last film Joan Crawford made. It features her as a scientist versus a man in a cheap costume, sorry… prehistoric man. Actually, Trog (short for Troglodyte) is described as a “fearsome half-man half-ape with the strength of twenty demons”. That’s a lot of strength, Trog!

The absolute highlight of the film is the scene where Crawford and Apeman play with a ball. A scene any awarded actress would dream of doing… Sadly I couldn’t find that particular scene, but here’s a clip that shows what it is Crawford has to do the entire movie…

It’s an absolute wonder how such a bad film could be made, given the acting talents of Joan Crawford and Michael Gough and the directing skills of Freddie Francis. If you can stomach more, here’s the trailer.

Great moments in cinema: Deadly Weapons

Every time someone uses the words “Deadly Weapons” we have to think of breasts. And specifically Chesty Morgan‘s breasts. 73FF-32-36 and natural, officially the largest breasts in film history.

The ‘plot’ of this Doris Wishman masterpiece was about a woman whose husband is killed by a mob. She wants to revenge him, the only way she can think of: by smothering them with her breasts. Chesty also starred in another Wishman classic: Agent Double 73. In that film, Morgan was a secret agent with a hidden camera implanted in her breasts (which is why every time she wanted to take a photograph she had to unbutton her shirt). Little did she know the agency had also implanted a bomb in her breast, in case she’d be exposed.

But here’s Deadly Weapons, because the trailer is so much better. Just listen to the announcer’s voice. How could this movie not be thrilling?

Great Moments in Cinema: Virgins From Hell

Virgins From Hell is an 1989 attempt at a movie from the Philippines. It’s supposed to be a women in prison film that resembles the 70s B-movies like The Big Bad Cage and the nazisploitation films, but as the trailer proves… it’s a bit more daft. My favourite bit from the trailer is when they mention the evil madman’s Chamber of Horrors… which sounds more terrifying than the bathroom it actually is. Fake punches and ketchup galore in this wonderful slice of cinema. Enjoy the trailer:

Great moments in cinema: Zombie Lake

I must’ve watched some 5000 films in my life, a pretty large number if you stop and think about it. I’ve seen good and bad movies, but some are just out there, in a category of their own. Take Zombie Lake, the Jean Rollin vehicle. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t think Rollin is such a great director: many of his films simply bore me and their stylishness doesn’t really look so stylish to me. There may have been some good and creative process behind them, but the result is often either silly or tedious. Amongst Rollin’s best I rate movies such as Les DĂ©moniacs, on the other end of the spectre there are films like Zombie Lake.

Here’s a film that explains itself in the title. There’s a lake with zombies. Now, one might think that being in a lake for a long period may be bad for your skin. Jean Rollin is apparently one of those people. Hence he came up with an ingenious idea: the zombies in his lake are green-skinned. Now technically this might’ve made more sense than a bunch of other zombie movies, but on screen it just looks downright silly. As you’ll see in the clip below. And of course it doesn’t help that one zombie looks at the others to see if he didn’t miss his cue.

Zombie lake is a mind-boggling feature.