PG Porn

PG Porn caters directly to you, dear DV viewer: it’s porn for people who like everything about the porn, apart from the sex. PG Porn was made by James Gunn and his brothers. But it’s not just them: the cast also exists of genuine porn stars and the occasional star. Nathan Fillion is quite good (in being awful) as a handy man in “Nailing your wife” (alongside Aria Giovanni). And the episode we’re showing here has Sasha Grey, pornstar and actress (in a.o. a Steven Soderbergh movie).

All the episodes I’ve seen lasted three minutes and if you want to keep watching them time and again, you can go to James Gunn’s site to watch ’em there. I’ll leave you with the link.

Was this the best movie of the year?

Mister Deeopey mentioned in one of the comments he hadn’t seen the extravaganza ad starring Benicio del Toro. Well, we won’t feel responsible for keeping people from the best movie of the year. Not only does it star del Toro, director Bryan Singer is also behind it. (Is this more proof that working with Tom Cruise really makes you go bonkers?) It lasts nearly three minutes of your life you’ll never get back, but thanks to the fast forward button you can skip some bits. Which is impossible if you have to sit through this in the theatre.

P.S. In case you hadn’t figured out the answer to the title of this post, the answer is “no”. Actually, they should mention this ad on every dvd sleeve from now on… starring Benicio Del Toro (Usual Suspects, Magnum Gold ad), directed by Bryan Singer (Usual Suspects, Magnum Gold ad).’

Great moments in cinema: Ator III

You know you’ve struck gold if you’re watching a film and aren’t sure if it’s a comedy or not. I’d say Ator III: The Hobgoblin came from the brain of Joe D’Amato, but that would be an insult to the man’s brain. Here’s a clip from this wonderful masterpiece (a.k.a. Quest for the Mighty Sword). It’s a vital lesson for anyone wanting to do something in the film industry: action scenes only need to exist of some vague waving around of weapons, build-ups are overrated.

Great moments in cinema: Trog

I hope you weren’t expecting another full review today, just look at the massive amounts of words I penned last week. No, let’s recover with a superslice of bad movie. Trog sadly ranks as the last film Joan Crawford made. It features her as a scientist versus a man in a cheap costume, sorry… prehistoric man. Actually, Trog (short for Troglodyte) is described as a “fearsome half-man half-ape with the strength of twenty demons”. That’s a lot of strength, Trog!

The absolute highlight of the film is the scene where Crawford and Apeman play with a ball. A scene any awarded actress would dream of doing… Sadly I couldn’t find that particular scene, but here’s a clip that shows what it is Crawford has to do the entire movie…

It’s an absolute wonder how such a bad film could be made, given the acting talents of Joan Crawford and Michael Gough and the directing skills of Freddie Francis. If you can stomach more, here’s the trailer.

Great moments in cinema: Deadly Weapons

Every time someone uses the words “Deadly Weapons” we have to think of breasts. And specifically Chesty Morgan‘s breasts. 73FF-32-36 and natural, officially the largest breasts in film history.

The ‘plot’ of this Doris Wishman masterpiece was about a woman whose husband is killed by a mob. She wants to revenge him, the only way she can think of: by smothering them with her breasts. Chesty also starred in another Wishman classic: Agent Double 73. In that film, Morgan was a secret agent with a hidden camera implanted in her breasts (which is why every time she wanted to take a photograph she had to unbutton her shirt). Little did she know the agency had also implanted a bomb in her breast, in case she’d be exposed.

But here’s Deadly Weapons, because the trailer is so much better. Just listen to the announcer’s voice. How could this movie not be thrilling?

Gib Gas, Ich Will Spass!

When the cast of a movie is mentioned only by their first names, it can only mean two things: either you’re watching a porn movie or a film with musicians. And a title like “Give gas, I want fun” doesn’t exactly help clarifying which of the two you’re watching. Which may explain why the English title of this film is Hanging Out. Which… come to think of it… may also be a sexual reference.

But no, dirty mind, Gib gas, ich will Spass is not smut, but a music film with Markus and Nena. The former a highly successful pop star, the latter an unknown pop star. And now, a quarter of a century later, the roles seem to be reversed. Because there’s a lot of chance you know Nena from her global hit “99 Luftballons” (a.k.a. 99 Red Balloons), but who is Markus? Think of Patrick Wolf who is accidently teleported to the 1980s and – these teleportations never go great, just watch The Fly – discovers his poppiest of sounds. Mind you, this film was made in 1983, when Germany found its new voice and answer to punk and new wave by inventing the Neue Deutsche Welle (literally New German Wave). Back in 1982, “Ich Will Spass” by Markus might have been refreshing rather than annoying. Make up your own mind because this is Markus’s biggest hit and the title track of the film (as performed in a music show where the average age of the viewer was 56):

So he wants fun, our Markus. And he’ll get it in this film as he’s the new boy in school, short trousers but a fast bike. Because rebellion, like a mullet, doesn’t grow in one day. Markus, who plays Robby, has the hots for Tina, as portrayed by Nena. Tina finds Robby silly rather than sexy and has more sexual feelings for Tino, who works full time on a fair and has his own convertible. And a mullet. And – what would romance be without language? – because Tino and Tina sounds cool.Tina convinces Tino to run off together, but when she can’t make it to the rendez-vous spot in time, Tino drives off with another chick. Her suitcase already packed and hoping to see Tino again, Tina convinces Robby to drive away together. Robby, naive enough to think Tina loves him as much as he loves her, gladly accepts. Tina’s feelings towards Tino are addressed in one of Nena’s biggest hits Nur geträumt: “Ich hab’ heute nichts versäumt, denn ich hab’ nur vor dir geträumt” (I haven’t wasted today, because I only dreamt of you). Don’t believe me, here’s the clip from the English dubbed version of the film:

And, of course, the search for Tino will ultimately end in Tina losing her heart to Robby. Seems like a sugar sweet teen flick, how can this be of any value to the cult-loving readership of DV? Well, there are several reasons: no matter how bad this film can be – and believe me, this will be a guilty pleasure – it’s nowhere as embarrassing as Crossroads or most of Madonna‘s output. The director is Wolfgang Büld, who had previously made a couple of documentaries about punk and reggae. Büld had noticed the Neue Deutsche Welle movement was becoming more mainstream and felt like pushing the genre by making a teen flick with the movement’s protagonists in several of the roles. Apart from Markus and newcomer Nena in the leads the film also included a cameo by the band Extrabreit.
Nevertheless, the film is pretty weak in as much as the ‘story’ is flimsy (it’s basically Robby and Tina driving after Tina’s love interest you couldn’t care about) and the jokes are either silly or horrible: one running gag is Tina’s classmate, seen in the clip above, who is always eating meat products. It’s not that I explained it badly, that’s what he does: he mainly boasts about how much he loves eating sausages and how many he can eat. I’ll pause briefly, so you can chuckle at this hilarious concept. A boy who eats fried meat… utter and utter genius! Equally hilarious is having older actor Karl Dall play a handful of tiny roles, in an attempt to make the viewer chuckle “Look, it’s Karl again, ha-ha!” And of course it doesn’t help that it’s a movie that’s mainly made to push the music. In the following clip, Robby and Tina have made it to the airport, just too late to catch Tino. Tina manages to make contact with him and they agree to meet each other in Venice. After this, Nena has to link the fluttering Tina running back to Robby to one of her songs (Ganz oben). The result, complete with a hilarious drunk pilot, looks like this:

Which makes it all the more surprising to see Robby and Tina end up in Venice. While arguing, Robby is abducted by a group of nymphomaniacs (I wish I was making this up) and Tina chases the gondola on foot, with Nena’s Tanz auf dem Vulkan as soundtrack to the scene. But watch at (or fast forward to) 2:47 to spot a surprising cameo…

Admit that this is a cameo you wouldn’t have expected in such a bubblegum movie. Ultimately, Carla Rhode of Der Tagesspiegel reviewed the film best: “I would have like to have fun too, but Nena, Markus and director Wolfgang Büld left me unsatisfied. What did the film attempt to be? A story about runaways, a musical or was it just a handful of uninspired scenes chucked together to fill the voids between songs by Nena and Markus?” Then again, I told you this would a guilty pleasure and it’s up to you whether a couple of Nena songs, Nena’s nude back and a reference to Don’t Look Now are enough to watch a corny movie for 85 minutes. Not that the film pretended to be Goethe. After all, the title is Gib Gas, Ich Will Spass.

3/10

P.S. Büld must’ve liked the experience because, two years later, he made Der Formel Eins Film, an equally corny film promoting Formel Eins (the German Top of The Pops) and featuring a.o. Falco (Jeanny, Rock me Amadeus, …)

Superhero Schlock: Tarkan vs the Vikings

Back to the heroes! And today it’s Tarkan who battles the Vikings (which explains the title) as well as a sea monster that looks more disturbing than scary. And let’s not forget man’s best friend, who’s kind enough to run up a wall to save Tarkan. (Well, or so the director would have you believe. Pity they forgot to end the scene just a nanosecond too late.)

Tarkan vs. the Vikings is available on the Mondo Macabro “Turkish pop cinema” dvd.

Arte Trash in June

Here’s the June schedule of ARTE Trash. It promises to be quite a month…

Jun 4: Zinda Laash (Dracula in Pakistan)
Professor Tabini is experimenting on an elixir that he believes will beat death. When he tries it on himself, however, things don’t work out as planned and he dies. When his assistant finds him no longer among the living, she carries him down stairs and slaps him into the crypt in the basement. Unfortunately for her, he rises from the grave and chomps down on her neck.

Jun 11: Mercano, El Marciano (Mercano The Martian)
When his pet is killed by a probe from earth, Mercano, a Martian, travels to earth angered. Landing in Buenos Aires, at first noone takes any notice of him.

Jun 18: Gib Gas, ich will Spass
Pert Tina (played by Nena – of “99 Luftballons” fame) is sick of school and the muff in her Bavarian village. She wants to go with Tino – attendant of a visiting auto-scooter – who has to leave the place for dubious reasons. However he lets her down and leaves alone. Now Tina persuades fellow student Robby, who has a crush on her, to take her on a random trip with his motor-scooter. It seems only to be a matter of time until he realizes that she’s just using him to follow her boyfriend – or will the shy Robby manage to win her heart on their chaotic journey?

Jun 25: O Fantasma
Young and handsome Sergio works the night shift as a trash collector in Lisbon, Portugal. He can’t force himself to connect with his pretty female co-worker Fatima, who displays an avid interest in him, so instead Sergio roams the city with the trash company’s pet dog. Eventually Sergio becomes fascinated with a sleek motorcycle, and then also its arrogant owner – a young man totally indifferent to Sergio. The frustrated trash collector’s surfacing desires unleash his darkest impulses, sending him down a dangerous path of violence, depravity and degradation.

Great Moments in Cinema: Virgins From Hell

Virgins From Hell is an 1989 attempt at a movie from the Philippines. It’s supposed to be a women in prison film that resembles the 70s B-movies like The Big Bad Cage and the nazisploitation films, but as the trailer proves… it’s a bit more daft. My favourite bit from the trailer is when they mention the evil madman’s Chamber of Horrors… which sounds more terrifying than the bathroom it actually is. Fake punches and ketchup galore in this wonderful slice of cinema. Enjoy the trailer:

Great moments in cinema: Zombie Lake

I must’ve watched some 5000 films in my life, a pretty large number if you stop and think about it. I’ve seen good and bad movies, but some are just out there, in a category of their own. Take Zombie Lake, the Jean Rollin vehicle. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t think Rollin is such a great director: many of his films simply bore me and their stylishness doesn’t really look so stylish to me. There may have been some good and creative process behind them, but the result is often either silly or tedious. Amongst Rollin’s best I rate movies such as Les Démoniacs, on the other end of the spectre there are films like Zombie Lake.

Here’s a film that explains itself in the title. There’s a lake with zombies. Now, one might think that being in a lake for a long period may be bad for your skin. Jean Rollin is apparently one of those people. Hence he came up with an ingenious idea: the zombies in his lake are green-skinned. Now technically this might’ve made more sense than a bunch of other zombie movies, but on screen it just looks downright silly. As you’ll see in the clip below. And of course it doesn’t help that one zombie looks at the others to see if he didn’t miss his cue.

Zombie lake is a mind-boggling feature.